This entire event has been disorienting. I even had difficulty describing to myself what I am feeling. I told a friend I felt upside down.
I suppose that’s the most accurate. I’ve not been literally upside down much in my life but when I have I remember things sure looked different.
Have you ever gone from one room in your house to another and when you get there your mind is blank? You simply cannot remember why you’re there? You stand there, looking around for something to jog your memory. Try to remember what you were thinking when you were at where you came from. Nope; blank. Absent minded, it’s called. And that’s what it feels like. It’s an emptiness that’s both frustrating and humorous.
Well, this isn’t that. But it’s close. This time I’ve arrived but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I am in completely foreign territory. A room I didn’t know existed. I can barely comprehend how I got here. The trip was fast with lots of turns, lots of traffic, and confusing signage in foreign languages. And for the entire trip I remained incredulous that this journey was even happening. Surely, there must be some mistake.
Well, I’ve landed. I’m past the feeling of upside down but I remain disoriented. I’m somewhere foreign. I’m not sure what to do here and I’m still wondering how I got here. But, it seems there’s no time for that anymore.
Oddly, I sense a fight. I feel threatened. And until I can figure this out – I’m going to assume it’s a fight. Survival first, right?
But, wait. I’m not a fighter. (But I am pretty durable, I think.) I’m an INTP, for heaven’s sake. Fighting is the work of the emotional types. I’m a logician, dammit, and this shit is NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.
ahhh. So there’s my upside down. My sense of fight is for the logic and connections. I dislike rules and place high value on truth. And what’s going on here in this room? A dishonest and hurtful application of a vague rule for the purpose of inflicting pain and suffering.
No wonder it feels so foreign. What kind of person…never mind. No time for that now.
So, I’ve landed. Now what? Find a tour guide. Someone familiar with the territory. Someone who can help this logician find sense in the senseless or at least, protect me and mine. Someone fierce. And whip smart.
Someone told me recently there is no justice. I can see that view and I’ve seen it before. I could easily hate it, but that’s not the fight with reality I’m choosing right now.